The C word

This is going to be one of the hardest blogs that I have ever wrote, but in hope that it will help me come to terms with things, I am going to try my best to find the words, and hopefully let others know that they are not alone. And it will all be about the C word, cancer.

So, there is only one guy in my life that I trust 100%, one guy that I look up to, and that is my Grandad. I don't speak to my dad, haven't done for a few years, he let the family down and now I just don't have the time or day for him. So it has always been my Grandad that has been the one man in my life growing up. He's a typical Irish man, he enjoys a drink down at the pub with his friends, I sometimes think he has a better social life than me. He is (or at least thinks) he is a jack of all trades (and God forbid if you’re the person to tell him any different), he always knows what the route of the problem is if you have an issue with your boiler, washing machine, you name it, he knows it. And he is a true Grandad joker, always cracks me up, whether it is an offensive joke, or a completely stupid joke. To me my Grandad is a comedian, strong, clever, a lovable old man. I couldn’t ask for much more in a Grandad.

I knew he wasn't well, he hasn't been for a while, but I am one of those who has always said "that would never happen to me or my family", I remember when I was younger watching these stupid soaps on TV, always a drama going on in someone's life, and I always thought to myself, “nah that would never happen to me or my family”, why would anything bad ever happen in our life?.... Then came the news "your Grandad's cancer has spread, surgery is possible, but that’s only if the doctor allows it, otherwise your Grandad only has about 3 months to live". I have comforted friends in the past, when they have had an ill relative, but you can never even begin to imagine how it feels to be told that someone you love has been set a time scale to live, why should anyone be able to tell someone the amount of time they have left to live?! For a while I have told myself, he’s going to be fine, course he is, he’s my Grandad. I guess it was being told the time brought it to life, made the situation real, made my heart suddenly race, made tears suddenly flow. My Grandad has cancer, that life threatening illness you always hear about on the news, you remember the times you have been there for friends when they have had someone close with it, but you never imagine you would be saying the words yourself.

It has become all I seem to think about, and it's all I seem to dream about. I’m in autopilot, my body is just floating around, but my mind, in all honesty, I don’t know where it is. If you were to ask anyone of my friends, is Amy ok? They would most probably say yes, I haven't told anyone how I am feeling, each morning I wake up, put on my make up, and as I leave the front door, I leave my problems with it, because I'm scared as soon as someone asks me if I am ok, I'm going to break into a flood of tears, have you ever been upset about something, but you've just pretended to be ok, to get you through the day, and someone has looked you in the eye and just said, are you ok? And you've just broke down right there? I can’t remember the last time since I found out the bad news that I haven’t felt that way, worried each day, some poor bugger is going to unleash my tears. My boyfriend knows, he was there to wipe my tears when I found out, but I haven't even really spoken to my boyfriend about it? I mean, I just have no words, a blank canvas; there are no words to explain how I feel, nothing, nada, rien, niente.

The main thing that actually cuts at me the most is the pain and the fear that my Grandad must be going through, I am terrified to see his fragile face, and the pain that is present in his eyes. Then it makes me sick to just think about how my Grandma must be feeling, I can't bear to see her hurt, imagine seeing the man that once protected you, so weak and frail, imagine losing that one person you have been with for most of your existence, your soul mate, your one true love. Then there is my mum, no one ever wants to see their mum cry, and thinking that my mum is hurting, cuts me deep, what am I meant to do? What can I say to them? \how can I stop them hurting? Someone tell me please.

My one hope is that the whole family will come together this Christmas, forget about all the pathetic arguments that are going round, and all the petty feelings they hold for each other. Times like this family should realise stupid words mean nothing, family means family, no matter what. I know my mum, brother and sisters will all be together this Christmas with my Grandparents, I am going to try my best to make it one to remember, one for the photo frames, memories to be made, and happy feelings to be stored.

Cancer isn't easy, it’s a waiting game, it’s an exhausting thing to have to deal with, physically and emotionally, and I don't really know what I should do, if I should do anything at all? I have never lost anyone in my life, and I count myself lucky for that. So I don't really have any inspiration words of wisdom to help others get through this tough time, nor do I have the solution to the hurt. I have created my own survival guide, just a few points that I hope will help...

• Don’t pretend to be ok when you’re not, if you need to let off some steam, then do so. Speak to someone, go for a run, if your not one to speak to someone then write down how you feel. I was inspired by a photo diary I had found in a magazine, she had taken photo's to explain how she felt, pictures say a thousand words, that maybe we couldn't find to say. I’m not good with saying how I feel out loud, and well I am no good with photography, so here I am writing this blog, no its not curing cancer, but it is helping me to finally come to terms with the ordeal.
• Enjoy every minute you can with your loved ones, don't be afraid of what you’re going to see, treat it like any other family gathering in the past.
• Remember to eat, it’s exhausting enough without having hunger on top of it, keeping yourself healthy will help, you might not care about your own fitness at the moment, but what good are you drained, let your loved one remember your smile.
• And the biggest one that I really need to take on board, don’t let work get you down or stress you out, works just work at the end of the day, all you can do is what you have the energy to do, don't get upset by the pile of paperwork just added to your mind, just stop, breathe, and write a jobs list (a practical one), do what you need to do, one by one.

I hope this blog inspires just one person to talk about their feelings, just one. I am just happy that I have been able to finally start to say how I feel, and find the words to say.

Be positive!